No, I’m not pregnant…thanks for asking!

I went to my friend Jen’s wedding last night in Palm Springs with AJ and Maggie.  Jen is one of those amazing people, that I always love being around.  The wedding was beautiful and the reception was both beautiful and fun.   I hadn’t seen most of the people there in a few years.  Some didn’t even know that I had a one year old.  It was really fun to catch up with old friends except for one.  Last night AJ and I made our way over to say Hello to this woman, that we had had as an improv teacher at Second City.  She has always been a little awkward to talk to, but so are a lot of actors.  (I say this lovingly, because I was pursuing acting and performing for a long time).  In a weird way you have to be slightly narcissistic and a little bit quirky.  Most of the time this leads to really funny people and other times this combination can be completely awful.

AJ and I walk over to the table where she is sitting, I’m holding Maggie with AJ standing next to me.  Right away, this woman smiles says Hi to AJ, then me, then Maggie, then touches my belly and says hello to you too.  Seriously, she just said hello to my empty uterus, because I’M NOT PREGNANT.  I was mortified, AJ was at a loss for words and Maggie just giggled.  We both ignored the awkward gesture, and hurriedly walked away.  I turned to AJ and said “Did she?”  and I didn’t even have to finish my sentence.  He says, “Yes and there is nothing I can tell you that will make this better.  But babe you don’t look pregnant.”

Oh my god!  I can’t believe someone touched my not pregnant belly as if I was pregnant.  Believe me, there is no mistaking that she was insinuating that I was pregnant.  First of all, “Who does that?”  Isn’t there a rule that you don’t ever assume someone is pregnant?  Secondly, I’ve lost 35 pounds, I have 15 to go, but I’m pretty sure I don’t look pregnant.  Maybe I have a little belly pooch, but definitely not a belly you would think is pregnant.  Maybe a belly that looks like I need to poop after a good Thanksgiving meal.  Lastly, I’m actually smaller in size than the offender.  I guess because I’m not a size 2 anymore, this makes me pregnant.  Its baffling.

I really can’t describe well enough the emotions that went through my head.  It’s sad, because I was feeling good.  My hair looked good and so did my make up.  I was very well put together, it was a great outfit.   I was wearing a size 6 dress I had bought from the Mad Men Collection at Banana Republic.  The Mad Men Collection!  Fitting that after this interaction, I immediately started drinking.  Heavily.

I think the thing that makes me the angriest about this whole thing is that now I won’t be able to wear the dress with out thinking I look pregnant.


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