My parents were in town this past weekend to watch Maggie and stayed until Tuesday. I decided to take advantage of the free babysitting to get some appointments out of the way. On Monday I went to the dentist and the dermatologist. Definitely two doctor visits that aren’t high on my list, but necessary. The dental appointment was pretty uneventful, need a cleaning, need to fix a filling, need to whiten teeth, need a night guard for my TMJ and teeth grinding and need invisalign for my bottom teeth. You know…the usual.
On the other hand going to the Dermatologist was a little more surprising. Besides aging, and all my usual skin issues, I decided I should get a full body check. I keep reading that once you hit 35, possibly 40, I should get one done every year. So since my sister has had two different moles removed in the last few years, I figure it was better to be safe.
Once in the room a nurse asks me what I am there for. I begin listing all of my skin issues, lifelong rashes, white freckle scars on my legs, unwanted hair in various places, weird clear mole on my face, and of course aging skin. I live in LA, I’m sure there is a cure. After the nurse leaves, a doctor comes in to talk with me about my issues, we discuss all of them and I think I am done. Then all of a sudden another doctor comes in, clearly it is THE dermatologist. He might as well have had a posse’. There were now two doctors a nurse and an assistant ( who shortly left) in the very small room. Here I am sitting in a paper gown, slightly exposed with two different people telling this doctor all of my problems. The more they spoke, the uglier I felt. As I looked at this dermatologist, I can’t help but wonder what sunscreen he uses because his skin is flawless. (I’ve been on a 20 year search for the perfect sunscreen, I want to be able to wear a tank top and be completely protected and not feel sticky)
After the rundown of all my skin issues, we discuss the overactive oil gland on my face. Then asks me if I’ve ever had a full body check. I can’t help myself and say only by the FBI (Female Body Inspectors) in South Padre Island (Spring Break party place). He didn’t get it and having to explain my horrible joke was somewhat humiliating. He kindly ignores me and begins to check me for moles,etc. He checks my legs, my arms, my face, my neck, my belly, my chest, and my back. Then things get weird, he then takes a quick look in my bra (not sure why, I’m not European and rarely take my boobs out in public) then quickly glances in my panties ( this one completely startled me, as rare as I take my boobs out in public, my vagina has never been on display), then asks me to roll over and pulls my panties down and checks my booty. After he is done, I’m quietly mortified. He tells me my body is clear, and then biopsies the blemish on my face.
As I sit there with three people with flawlessly perfect epidermis viewing me. The doctor asks if there is anything else he can help me with. I ask if there is anything he can do to make me to look 25 years old and rested. With a straight face, he tells me no. Then tells me I’ve been given a crappy hand because all of my skin issues are annoying but not major. Then hands me a brochure for Restylane. I love LA, they do have a cure.
Apparently, I will live a life with constant rashes, weird white freckles on my legs and will continue to age. Not to mention tell bad jokes at inappropriate times.
In case I need to be a little bit more clear. A full body inspection for moles, means a full body inspection. Make sure you shower and shave before you go in. Being unshowered and unshaved/unwaxed was not how I would ever introduce my vagina to anyone.