Learning not to steal
While we were at the mall the other day, M and I walked by a kiosk that had toy dogs walking and barking. M immediately ran over and was mesmerized. After a few moments, she picked up a doggie and started to walk away with it. I immediately walked her back and had her put the doggie back. I told her we can’t just take things because that is stealing, she looked at me as if I was crazy. So I told her the doggies lived at the kiosk. She agreed, but still thinks I’m crazy. I’m not sure if my life lesson of stealing sunk in. I’m just glad there wasn’t a tantrum and only the mad eye glare at mommy. Her eyes said it all..”Mommy kills puppy dreams.” Sadly, daddy kills puppy dreams, not mommy but I’m the bad guy again.
50 shades of gray hair
Let’s talk gray hair. I know for many people getting a gray hair is pretty much the end of the world. I’m not necessarily one of those people, but I definitely am not going down without a fight. My husband has been getting gray since he turned 26, it got worse when we got married, he was 28 and since Maggie was born the gray pretty much exploded all over his head, he was 32. Of course, he looks great with gray hair, he has a boyish face, and not so boyish charm…it works for him. Me not so much, if I had a head full of gray hair I wouldn’t look distinguished, I’d look aged. Let’s face it, men age better. Women are smarter, but men age better. Yes there are those rare anomalies, like my sister who still gets carded for alcohol.
So, I woke up a few days ago and noticed I have a total of 5 gray hairs. Three gray hairs on my head, one in my eyebrow and one in my pubes. Is it offensive if I say pubes? Sorry, but it is offensive that I saw a gray hair. I know nobody talks about the so called “other” gray hairs. I guess we are all supposed to be keeping this private because its our privates. Well, no more. I want all 20 year olds to know, this will happen. Your privates will turn geriatric too.
The funniest part about discovering my gray hair. My dear friend called and I asked her, “do you have any gray hairs?” She told me of course she did. Then I asked, “In your pubes?” She laughed, paused , then told me YES, my husband and I both do. As we both laughed, I realized, now I know why nobody talks about their “private” gray hairs. Because nobody wants the visual. Sorry for the visual. I’ll never talk about this again.
No longer gassy in 2012. Hello 2013.
2012 was the year of figuring out me. I’ve never been more comfortable with who I am than I am now, and I have this last year to thank for that. Not only emotionally, but physically as well.
So here is what happened. I had minor surgery (nothing to talk about), but after I recovered AJ mentioned that I should go to the doctor, to see why I’m so tired in the evenings. Seriously? I didn’t want to pay a $35 copay in order for a doctor to tell me that I’m normal. I’m tired in the evenings because I spend 12 hours a day running around after a toddler. I think why I’m tired is pretty obvious. Doesn’t matter, I decided to go to the doctor, because AJ kept insisting and his parents were in town, so I had a free babysitter. Bonus!
While at the doctor, I realized I have several ongoing ailments that have been recurring my entire life. I talk to the doctor about everything and he takes a blood test. They rule out everything. Then he tells me, he thinks my problems are food related. What? I’m pretty healthy. For years, I was a pescatarian (Vegetarian that eats fish) and only since being pregnant with Maggie have I added chicken back into my diet. Not to mention we eat mostly organic, farm fresh foods. So food should not be an issue.
I was wrong. So it turns out that my body is intolerant of many foods. Basically I am gluten intolerant and dairy intolerant among many other intolerances. My food intolerances are labeled in three categories, severe, moderate, and mild.
Just so you can get a taste of what I have to avoid. My severe intolerances are: gluten, dairy, green tea, black tea, almonds, beef, blueberries, caraway, chick peas(hummus), halibut, millet, orange, papaya, quinoa, vanilla, soy, rice and high fructose corn syrup. That is the severe column. There are around 50 other items in the moderate a mild columns too.
In order to see if these foods were affecting my life I had to cut everything out of my diet that I was intolerant too, all of the severe, moderate and mildly intolerant foods. So for four months I did it. At first I was miserable. I cried. Then after a couple of months I noticed, I didn’t have any more skin rashes, no more headaches, no more aches and pains, no more bloating, no more mouth ulcers, and less exhaustion. Amazing! Let me tell you, I don’t think I realized how gassy I was before my new diet. I think I probably farted everyday, because I thought that was normal. I’m not talking gross fraternity boy farts, just little toots throughout the day. Not to mention daily gas cramps. So the first time I tooted on my new diet, I was so completely aware of it, I actually called AJ to tell him I tooted. He was not as thrilled as me, but happy that I was less gassy, probably happy for both of us. Let’s be honest, he has had to deal with a lot, I tooted constantly. In nine years of being together, AJ has never passed gas in front of me. So now I know why he was pushing me to go to the doctor. I don’t think it was because of my constant exhaustion from chasing a toddler for 12 hours, I think it was to stop my farting.
Well played AJ, well played. I thank you for making me less of a gross person.
So for 2013 my goal is to get rid of PMS. This really is exciting for both of us. Can you imagine? No farting and no PMS, AJ will be in heaven.
Everybody get ready for my panic attacks!!!
I’ve been running errands the past couple of days and have been feeling weirdly anxious. Yesterday I went to Target, bought a ton and felt good about it. Got home, felt guilty and anxious. Then last night I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I spent and AJ told me I was weird for obsessing about it. Strangely though, it wasn’t really the money that was bothering me, it was something else. I just couldn’t pin point it. Maybe I’m feeling overwhelmed with everything I need to get done before the holidays. I made a daily to do list for the next week, so that I wouldn’t forget anything. Not to brag, but pretty good time management tasking, if I may say so myself. I still felt anxious.
So today I woke up and decided to bang through my list. I had already completed half the list by 10AM and then decided to take back a bunch of stuff to Target, because I really spent too much money. On my way to Target I start feeling really anxious again. After I take back half of what I bought the day before. I feel a little better.
On my way back home, it hits me, like a freight train. I can’t breathe. I feel light headed and then furious. It is happening again. For those of you that don’t know…I am prone to panic attacks whenever there is a TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE movie released. And there it is, the huge billboard taunting me, Leatherface and that stupid creepy Texas sky. And this movie is in 3D!
Again, I am baffled that I spent the last couple of days trying to figure out why I’m so anxious, and it is that stupid movie again!. I guess I saw the billboard yesterday but didn’t read it, but my mind apparently took notice and decided to go ahead and make me anxious. Of course I’m panicking Leatherface is staring at me everywhere I turn. There is a billboard on every other block. Why so many billboards?
For those of you that don’t believe me, I feel you should know, I have gone to therapy over this. I wrote and performed a one woman show about my experience with this movie. I fell in love with my husband because he didn’t care how crazy I became after seeing this movie 10 years ago.
At least I know which movie I won’t be seeing over the holidays. Now that I think about it, what a weird time to release a horror film. I wonder if Leatherface kills Santa this time. I hate you TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE. #boycottleatherface #dontkillsanta
The purple monster
So I did it. I made Maggie’s purple monster costume for Halloween. She loved it. It is one of my proudest achievements as a mom. Okay it is my proudest creative crafty achievement. I designed the costume and made it so she would want to wear it and also be able to play in it. In making this costume, a competitive spirit arose from within and all I could think about was my sister and all of the awesome stuff she has done for her girls. So, of course, like most of my childhood, my competitive nature towards my sister pushed me through this process. I could go on and on about how many times I stabbed my fingers while handsewing the horns onto the shoulders or how I burned myself with the iron just to make the yellow tummy stay on or how I superglued my fingers together while adding the googly eyes to her headpiece.
Seriously though, I’m excited to be competing with my sister again. If you knew Lynn and I growing up, we were besties that would fight and compete. Lynn was older, bigger and stronger than me. I was feistier and scrappier, mainly because they were my only choices. So it’s nice to know that even though we are states apart and our girls are years apart, I still have the drive to kick her booty. So the gauntlet has been thrown. Next year the official Halloween costume competition is on. I’ve already started planning. The rules are, there are no rules. Okay, maybe one rule…family themed costumes.
So thank you Lynn for driving me to compete with you, even when you don’t know you are doing it.
Have toddler…to travel or not to travel?
Living in California while our families live in Texas and the East Coast means we travel…a ton. Maggie is 20 months old and has flown to NYC, Florida, Texas and Aruba totaling 10 flights since she was 5 months old. I have spent many stressful hours packing our bags, mentally preparing for the trips and buying snacks and toys for the plane rides.
I have learned quite a bit about myself, and about traveling with a child under 2. I’ve learned when to cancel a flight, when to power through, and when to look to my husband, my mom or my sister for some motivation. Some flights can be nightmarish while others are a walk in the park. I have learned there is never a perfect time to travel, only the right time to see family or go on vacation. And because there is no way to know which child you will be traveling with…the quiet little angel or the misunderstood screamer, I’ve decided to pass along some of my wisdom.
The easiest time to travel is before the baby is walking. So take advantage! Once they can walk, they are on the move and don’t understand being confined.
With a young baby make sure you feed them during take off and during landing. Hopefully they will fall asleep once you are in the air, the plane is a big white noise machine which more often than not lulls a baby to sleep. If you are on a long flight and your baby wakes up, be prepared to feed them in flight. If you are breastfeeding, be ready to whip out the boob. If you are bottle feeding, have the bottle ready to prep and feed. If it is solid food for a meal or snack, have it with you. Don’t rely on the airlines for anything! They might not be able to help you at that time or have any food you can give your child.
For mobile or active babies…prepare for the worst and hope for the best. If traveling by yourself see if your partner or family can get a gate pass. It’ll make a huge difference having help while waiting for your flight. Pack a carryon bag with a variety of toys with very little pieces and lots of entertainment value. I wish there was a perfect list but, this really depends on your child’s developmental skills, temperament and willingness to sit still. Have tons of snacks. Snacks are a life saver. If you don’t let your child watch TV, now might be the time to splurge. Put a few shows or movies on a tablet, ie the iPad. Have it as a last resort or have it as your main distraction. Either way you will be happy you splurged. If you are worried about what other people are thinking…stop worrying. If someone comments (rudely), just have a witty comeback ready… Such as “thank you for your concern about my parenting, because my doctor said it was okay for my child to watch TV within reason. I’m glad we are being honest with each other because your breathe is stinky and I can smell it from here. Did your doctor say it was hallitosis?” Alright that was a long comeback, but if you are quick enough, it’ll work, but only use it if they were judgmental. You can also vary the comeback depending on your personality.
Lastly, you might find that no one is willing to help you or everyone is. Either way, you will be fine. Yes… Occasionally, the flight might suck but hopefully the baby will sleep. To put things into perspective, on my last flight back from TX, I was flying back by myself with a fussy toddler. As soon as the gentlemen sharing the row with me began to sit down, I told him I’d do my best to keep her happy and hopefully she won’t cry too much, but for some reason she is really cranky. Before he sat down he looked around to everyone around us and said, “If a crying baby is the worst thing that happens to us on this flight, then we are all blessed.”. This one statement calmed me, calmed Maggie and everyone around me was very helpful the entire flight.
So take a deep breathe, prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
Also, remember those other passengers that glare at you for having a baby….they are assholes. I mean seriously, think of how miserable they must be to be angry at a parent and their baby. Okay that sounded harsh and I really don’t want you to tell someone they have bad breathe. If you have any other snarky and funny comments for those rude situations, I’d love to hear them.
Hipster thieves
I have to admit mornings are my favorite at our house. Everyday is similar, we run like a well oiled machine. AJ makes breakfast and plays with Maggie while I walk Gilmore. We get to all see each other and laugh together before AJ goes off to work and Maggie and I start our day. I absolutely love mornings.
So imagine my surprise when I go out to my car with Maggie and see there are tampons, receipts and stuff all over the place….someone broke into my car. As I look around to see what they took, everything that is of any real value is still in the car. The carseat and jogger stroller are both still in the car, which easily could have been sold for around $400 used. So what did they take? Oh, my “on the go” make up bag, my vintage coin purse and my Bear Gryllis small knife. I know it doesn’t sound like anything, and they can all be replaced…kinda. Yes, I’m upset about the coin purse because it was a purse I got from my Grandma’s house and I loved having it to remind me of her. I’m annoyed about the makeup because it was probably $100 worth of used make up that I now have to replace. Lastly, I can’t believe they stole my knife. I only had the knife in my car so if for some horrible reason, my car flipped over and I could unlock Maggie’s seatbelt, I’d be able to cut her out. Sounds crazy but its just a little piece of mind for me.
So I called AJ and told him and he can’t believe it, then looks around his car and it was broken into as well. They stole his car registration and his suspenders. Knowing this, I can now honestly tell you exactly who the perpetrator was. As the evidence clearly states, there is a hipster Bonnie and Clyde on the loose in the Studio City hills. Seriously, who steals suspenders, a vintage coin purse, make up, a small hunting knife and a registration card. Even worse, they stole AJ’s registration card, which means they are trying to steal his identity. So if you see a hipster couple running around preparing for an earthquake, telling bad jokes, and pretending to be AJ, well call 911 because they are too dumb to be criminals.
Oe more thing…they stole all of the recycle bags from both cars. At least their ecofriendly criminals.
Star Wars brings back memories
One of my most vivid memories of my childhood is playing with my cousins Keith and David. My sister and I were constantly at their house and I would be so excited to play with with their Star Wars figures. I remember thinking how cool their collection was. They had everything. Of course I had a crush on Luke Skywalker at first, so I always wanted to have him, then a few years later, with a little more maturity at around 10 years old, my crush on Han Solo began. I think that also began my 20 year crush on Harrison Ford, seriously Indiana Jones and Han Solo were everything I wanted in a husband. Which is exactly why I married AJ.
So when we were in NYC and AJ was having to go through all of his old toys and get rid of everything. I wouldn’t let him get rid of his collection. It may be just a few figurines, but I’m going to make sure Maggie has some fantastic memories playing make believe with some of my old friends, Luke, Han, and Leia. Hopefully it won’t be too awkward when we fight over Luke and Han.
Maggie vs the Python
I had one of those horror movie plot kind of moments. Everything was so innocent and simple and then we met a python. Before I get into the story, let me just say owning a Python as a pet is ridiculous. Owning a python as a pet when you have a child, should be considered child endangerment. Seriously? It should be illegal. Look what happened in Florida…I’m nervous to visit my in laws in Boca Raton already because of alligators.
On Sunday, my friend Stephanie and I took Maggie to the Wildlife Leaning Center in Sylmar, CA. I was very excited to see this place, I’ve been waiting to take Maggie until I thought she would be old enough to enjoy the animals. I was ready to learn about the local wildlife and show Maggie as well. Let me just say I learned two very important things at the Wildlife Learning Center. First, Maggie is still too young to care, she enjoyed the rocks and the dirt immensely. Secondly, don’t go to the Center on a hot day. Whew! Maggie was miserable and just wanted to leave. We know this because she kept walking over to the exit door and waiting for someone to open it, so we could leave.
In my last ditch effort to show her some cool new things, we went into the Reptile Center. Big mistake. As we stepped into the room, I put Maggie down to run around. As I put her down, the Python had been calmly sleeping in its aquarium, suddenly starts moving around. Following Maggie’s every movement. At one point, the Python was slithering its head toward the roof of its aquarium looking for a way out (I didn’t get a picture of that, but I did get a Python watching Maggie pic). The final straw came when it looked straight at Maggie opened its mouth (like it was panting and ready to eat). Stephanie and I were both watching this scenario, as well as the Wildlife volunteer. I wasn’t worried until the volunteer decides that it was time to unlock the Python’s glass doors and give it a spritzing of water. Really? I picked up Maggie and we left. Steph and I were both creeped out and Maggie was ready to go anyway.
Even though the Python scared me, the weather was ridiculously hot and Maggie was uninterested, Steph and I had a great time. I will definitely be taking Maggie back when she is older and less edible and probably when it isn’t 110 degrees. This is a great place, you get to see the animals up close and personal and the staff does an informative demonstration every hour. Pretty cool.
The worst part is I didn’t get to sleep but two hours that night because I kept having Python nightmares. At one point, while crying during the middle of the night about Pythons eating Maggie when we visit AJ’s parents in Florida. I woke him up. He looks at me, says I love you and ignores me. I get it, I would have ignored him too, but the discussion isn’t over.
What AJ doesn’t know is, we will be discussing all python and alligator preventative measures before our next trip to Florida.
Krav Maga or Jiu Jitsu?
Lately, I’ve been contemplating taking a self defense class. I’m pretty sure the impetus is my motherly instinct to protect my daughter. In any case..there are two questions lingering in my head. First, is it normal for me to want to take a class to learn how to fight? Secondly, do I want to kick ass like a Brazilian (Jiu Jitsu) or an Israeli soldier(Krav Maga)? These are tough decisions.
In my fight class research I discovered something amazing. There are kids classes. I’m pretty torn about this. Of course, I want Maggie to know how to defend herself, but what if I enroll her and she becomes a lethal fighting machine. I’m sure this is not the case for my adorable little girl, but it could happen. I think instead of registering her for street fighting when she is four years old, I’m going to put her in dance classes. When she goes to highschool, I’ll make her take self defense, but in the mean time this mom will be doing all of the street fighting in this house. I’m pretty sure my husband agrees, that it’ll be all me.
So decisions, decisions. Have you ever taken a self defense class?
I’m leaning towards Krav Maga, but Jiu Jitsu is tempting.
